Making Music

I've been writing songs since I was probably 6 or 7 years old. I can only remember a few of them from that far back, but there's something about songwriting that my spirit needs to express (sorry if this sounds weird!). Often, when I'm broken, I feel that the best way I can communicate with God is to sit down at the piano and write a song out of my circumstance and introspection.
I'm inspired by many things- the songs of great songwriters, God's Word, having a powerful conversation or experience, traveling, being in beautiful places in nature, being in a beautiful church or place with amazing architecture.
I really love writing music, but it's honestly been something that's pretty humbling, too. I've recently posted some of my songs that I've recorded onto my music myspace (www.myspace.com/musicjana) and it's kind of intimidating. I am still new at the whole thing of recording and helping the songs come to life and I've been insecure about it. It's honestly very scary putting my thoughts, melodies and voice out there for anyone to hear and review. I worry about how I sound and come across, and I know I don't need the approval of everyone, but I still desire that affirmation from those I'm close to- like, did this mean anything to you? Is this something I should keep doing?
Anyway, I am probably always going to keep writing, but I just wonder what God's plan is with all of it, will my songs and prayers come to life and others be blessed by them? I don't know. I just want to do what God has created me to do . . . whatever that may be . . . I'm still wondering about all of it. :)

Vitally United

The Amplified Bible uses these words: VITALLY UNITED in John 15 referencing our relationship with God and the necessity of "abiding in Him." The words "vitally united" really stick out to me because it makes crystal-clear my need for Jesus. Apart from Him, not only can I accomplish, be and do nothing, but I am essentially dead. Even when I depart from Him and consider Him cruel for just moments, I can feel the desperation in my spirit and how unfulfilling and just unlively life feels.

This is Faith.

This is faith.


I cannot tell you why I always think that I need everything wrapped up in a bow
I cannot tell you why I alway think that I need to know the outcome when I don't
Because sometimes there is no resolve- no quick and painless closure
And I guess the world will still revolve with this weight upon my shoulders
But God is not daunted by unresolved things, He sees the loose ends and only He brings me together again
I may never understand it, on this side of Heaven
Why one dream of mine had to die for another to be given
Someday my heart will be healed, someday the mystery revealed
But until then, today, this is faith.

© Jana 2008

Tagged. I guess this means I'm it!

TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. I used to hum myself to sleep when I was just a baby, and since I shared a room with my sister it drove her nuts!
2. I have always been more scared than excited to do things that I'm not sure about: driving, flying, college, living on my own, applying and interviewing at jobs.
3. My favorite toys as a kid had to do with transformation: dolls that you put water on that changed colors, cars that changed colors, heck- even hypercolor shirts!
4. I've never been anywhere outside of the U.S. and Canada!
5. I have 607 Christmas songs on my ipod.
6. My mom calls me "pastorista" because of my jobs, and you know, I'm really blessed to work with all of the people that I get to work with!
7. I loved glow in the dark things- I used to wear glow in the dark nail polish, and once I slept with glow in the dark silly putty in my hand and it got stuck in my hair.
8. I love brownie batter and cookie dough batter almost more than when they're baked.
9. I have two ear piercings in each ear but rarely wear any earrings in the second piercing.
10. I dream of ministering in Europe someday.

God is in control

Why is it so hard for me to believe that God is in control? I mean, I know that the Earth keeps revolving and everything even when I feel like falling apart, but still I question God's ways so often. I don't think I'm a control freak, but I guess most control freaks probably don't think they are, either :). I love traveling, and I love excitement, I just get scared when it comes to too much adventure, too much not knowing and too many surprises- I really like to feel like I'm prepared for whichever situation I'm walking into. But that's not how it necessarily always works with Jesus. His ways ARE HIGHER than my ways. So, even though I don't know what I'm going to be doing next year, or even where I'll be, I know that Jesus is my Shepherd. He is faithful. He has always led me, and even when I don't FEEL it, He is there. Leading, guiding, nudging, disciplining, protecting, comforting, and loving me. I guess my loneliness at times allows for His sweet companionship- and that really is what I need most, even though I tend to run when I feel confused or frustrated. His faithful love makes me run right back.

Baby and bathwater

I've been thinking a lot about the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." I did a little research and found that its origin is from the days when families would all do their bathing with just one ration of water. The baby would often be last in line to be washed in a large family, and by that time the water would have been quite murky and dark. It happened on occasion that the baby could be hidden in that water and thrown out with the bathwater.
Now, I know we don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, because human life is important! However, I think we can draw a comparison to ministry with that example, because so often we get so bogged down with maintaining possibly ineffective systems and our vision gets muddied so we lose sight of the real priority: people. I'm not saying that administration isn't important, in fact, it is essential! I'm just trying to propose that we shouldn't be distracted by the upkeep of buildings or systems or dollars from the mission and the main thing: people knowing Jesus and His redemptive, life-transforming love.

Alive

I'm grateful that I'm alive. I deserve death, but God gave me a chance and saved me. I have a renewed hope and confidence today. I know that God knows the desires of my heart and I trust Him with them. I want to quit saying "I'll be satisfied when ________ . . .", and to realize that I can be content in any circumstances because of the love of my Jesus. I am grateful for everything He has given me: a family and parents who literally laugh, cry, and share life with me- challenging me and supporting me at the same time; friends who are such an encouragement and blessing, who pray with me and for me and give me words of wisdom and insight when I'm seeing rather short-sighted:). I just believe again. I fought through disappointment and discouragement. I cursed God for a moment and thought that I could forsake what He created me for and what He had planned for me, but then He spoke to me and confirmed it again and again and again and it's undeniable that He is faithful. I am in love with the God of my life, and nothing is in His place anymore. The first commandment in the 10 Commandments is to have no other god before the One, True God, and the first and most important commandment in the New Covenant is to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Nothing is more important or could be more fulfilling. I only want what He has for me, and I only want to be with the Lord. I feel like I'm being healed from deep wounds and I know the Lord will buy back what I thought He took away from me in cruelty. He's not cruel, He's a God who commands my obedience and attention, and wants my true affection. I'm ready and willing to give all of that, and I want everything I am and everything I do to glorify Him more than myself. I can't appoint myself. I can't fulfill my own desires. I can't redeem or restore anything. I can't make a difference without Him. I'm not anything without what He's done for me. I am alive and I'm grateful. That's all.

So, here's the tension!

I know this might not seem like the most relevant topic to everyone in the world, but I want to talk about eschatology. A professor of mine in college said that it is the tension between the "already" and the "not yet" of God's Kingdom. Honestly I feel the "not yet" much more than the "already". The "already" part is where we feel God's power in everyday life. It is living with the realization that I am a part of something much bigger than myself- that I can play a role in God's divine plan for the universe. However, I feel much more immersed in the "not yet" part of it right now. I feel like God's Kingdom WILL come and His will SOMEDAY WILL be done, but maybe not today. . .
I get discouraged when I think of how I want to be participating in something amazing, but just feel like there's something preventing me- something paralyzing me from moving. "It will be too hard." "I won't have the resources." "I will be in over my head, and won't have the support for the overwhelming need."
I want to realize that although I can't experience the FULLNESS of God's glory today (not yet), I can (already) be fully alive and engaged in God's will and fulfilling His purposes.

Faith

(Heb 11:1) "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Pay careful attention to the word "yet" here. Faith does not mean that we don't see things in their practical reality, as they are now. It does mean though, that we choose to not accept only that perspective and we also choose to believe for what something can be. The "yet" means that the thing that we are believing for in faith is not how it is right now, or at least not how it looks as of now. But, it can be and that is the point of believing, even when it seems impossible. What is the point of the Christian life without faith? It is empty; just another system and way of proving ourselves as acceptable to God.
But that was never God's point of getting through to us: He didn't choose a system to meet us, He chose a person instead. When we forget about the person of Jesus Christ, we forget about His sacrifice, and the point of life and faith altogether. It is not only difficult or challenging to please God without faith- it is impossible. Because without faith, we are depending upon our own good works and attitudes and behaviors. Yet, if we are depending on those things alone, then surely we will be condemned because not one of us can be without sin, and none of us can EVER follow the law to the last exact letter. So, why am I a Christian? Well, because of the meaning of that word itself, I want to be an imitator of Christ; I want to be accused of being a little Christ. Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many. I want to be like that. I want to sacrifice for others. I want to love. I would literally die and give up my life for people to know the purpose of theirs, to know Christ, but that is not necessary because Jesus already did that. So, I must live for Him. Not proving myself to earn my way to Him, but choosing to believe that He will do the work to transform me and use my life as I willingly submit it. I don't understand everything there is to understand about faith, but I do know that I would rather live with faith than without it. Faith makes me alive when the circumstances seem doomed. Faith encourages my heart when I don't have hope and don't believe for what I've prayed for. Faith the size of a mustard seed could move a mountain into the sea. Faith is honoring to God, it is taking Him at His Word.
2 Cor 5:7 "That is why we live by believing and not by seeing." There are many times when I don't "see" what I want to see, but that doesn't mean that God isn't accomplishing it for my good. Faith gives me the proof of what I, on my own, do not yet see.

Aloneness

Of all the things I hate feeling, this one tops the list: aloneness. I am a "close friends" person. I THRIVE on relationships. I adore my friends, and take the concerns of others to heart, and take them very seriously. I am a caregiver and a confidante. There is nothing that I enjoy more than connecting with someone deeply and having a life-transforming conversation. So, you can see why it is so hard when I get in a place of aloneness. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, therefore, it is often what I need, because if not, I get too dependent on just going places and worrying about the problems of everyone around me, and I lose my focus on the MOST important element in my life: my relationship with God. "Why do I do the things I do? It's not even who I want to be! I find myself following all I want, and never the only One I need." I wrote those lyrics recently, and it's because I know my tendency to neglect Jesus, and I hate that about me! How many times do I have to hear this story?: Jesus is the VINE, I am a branch, APART from Him I can do NOTHING, I must REMAIN in Him! Why can't I remember that? Why do I have to convince myself to FIX MY GAZE upon Him? I need help. I am hurting. I can't force God to be my last resort; I NEED Him as my lifeline. Period. Nothing else is enough, I am not enough. When I am alone, I am not. He is not all that I have sometimes, He is all I EVER have.

Why is it so hard?

Why is doing the right thing often so hard? I struggle with it everyday, and it's not even necessarily a struggle against outrightly sinning. It's a struggle to trust God and to have faith! I DO unquestionably believe in God, but the question I face each morning is: will I trust Him today? Hebrews 11:6-"So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." (NLT) Okay, so it's impossible to please God without faith, and I have had the first part of the equation in that verse: I believe that there is a God. . . However, this is what I always seem to trip up on: AND THAT HE REWARDS THOSE WHO SINCERELY SEEK HIM. I have to tell you that even though I know God is real, that doesn't make it easy to trust Him for everything. For instance, I know that God is calling me to trust Him for my contentment and to fulfill me, but everyday when I wake up with this fear, and this aching in my chest, I say to myself, TRUST GOD. But my temptation instead is to call someone and seek their affirmation/approval/desire to be with me. I wrestle with it often, NOT because God is not enough, but because it is hard to be faithful when it seems so easy for everyone else, and I just want someone to walk this journey with me. I want to feel alive and I want to feel loved, but it's agonizing when I don't understand what's going on. I know that I don't see the big picture and I know that God has my best in mind, it's just sometimes such a lonely journey. There are so many places of joy in my life, and blessings that God gives me, but they don't last forever, and ultimately, I can find my source of life/hope/joy/peace only in Him. I know I am not alone, but somehow this struggle is preparing me for something I can't see. I have encouraged others with this before: "there are two realities in life. There is the physical reality (the circumstances that you can see playing out everyday), and then there is the Spiritual reality (the things that are going on behind the scenes and in people's hearts and lives and beyond all that we can see or understand). The greatest reality is God's love, and even though there is a battle going on, His love and His purpose for our lives goes much deeper and further than the circumstances we see." So, this is being proven in my life today through my struggle: Rom 8:35 "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?36 (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.")37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.39 Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Thank You, Oh my Father, for giving us Your Son, and leaving Your Spirit 'til the work on Earth is done. I realize I do have all I need, my daily bread.

Same old thing

I'm tired of the same old thing... "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." This is very true, but somehow it's just not getting into our (collective) "heads" in the church. We think that by doing the same thing and saying it the same way we're going to see drastic increase and dramatic life change, but there are people walking away everyday because of the system and formula that we place the Gospel in. Helllllllooooo. . . the Gospel confounds our very formulas and the systems we are so content to keep. It blows everything away that makes sense to us, yet it works, and that is the real difference and distinguishing of a Christian. A true life marked (and YES, even marred) by the image of Christ; a very ordinary and even unimpressive life intersected with the Divine- this is what history books are written about. There is nothing more important than Jesus- that's the main thing. Let's awaken from our comfortable, safe and cautious slumber to the true call and cost of discipleship.