Spiritual Warfare

When I think of Spiritual warfare, often the first example I look at is the account of the letter to the church in Ephesus recorded in Ephesians 6. I've memorized that passage and have taught on it quite a few times. I had somehow forgotten though, about the second letter to the church in Corinth that talks about Spiritual warfare. That is heavy on my heart tonight- and today has been a day facing many factors in this Spiritual battle.

I woke up this morning (my day off, hallelujah!) and felt urged to start reading "The Cross and The Switchblade." Whoah- for a girl who has always loved that general story, has seen the movie and has worked volunteering with Teen Challenge for quite a while, reading the in-depth backstory has me even more compelled and stirred. I got through probably 3 chapters of David Wilkerson's story about God's divine and unusual, no, ridiculous prompting to go to New York and reach out to troubled youth, hardened gang members. The depth of the sins those people were dabbling in (or drowning in) was staggering, and Pastor Wilkerson was NOT qualified to bring them wholeness. But he obeyed and now the legacy of the unbelievably (anointedly) successful ministry of Teen Challenge is being implemented largely across the globe. Unreal. Sidenote: I want my life to have that element of extreme adventure, challenge, trust and fruit.

Then, tonight, we had our second outreach with "Charisma" the ministry to girls in the sex industry, particularly girls who work as dancers in the strip clubs. I got to go into more clubs this time and interact with more people than last time; even though we had some more setbacks, we had more "successes" or openings, too. I know the Enemy loves seeing these lives destroyed by the addictive power of sexual depravity and bondage. I also know Jesus LOVES these people- the customers, the dancers, the bouncers, the management, the "curious". It was a stirring night for sure as we venture out into a world that is pretty sealed off from Christ's light, but He is everywhere.

The Enemy thinks he's so crafty, but GOD'S PLANS WILL PREVAIL. I worry so much about furthering God's Kingdom, but I have to remember HE WANTS TO USE ME and my availability/obedience shouldn't be hindered by fear or an insatiable need to always prove my goodness. I want to follow Jesus. Plain and simple.

Anyway, back to this day. I got a few texts from a friend of mine who I've loved and reached out to for years now, but who seems helpless. She told me that she recently was doing some drugs and she felt "different and thought of bad things to do" and told me of a time before when she didn't feel like herself and she yelled, but it wasn't her voice coming out. I told her this was Spiritual warfare and mentioned 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." She wanted an explanation of what to do in situations where this was happening, because she said she prayed a lot that night and finally it went away. I told her that prayer is a very powerful weapon, but I also wanted her to memorize some of the Bible, because God's Word's Truth is one of the most powerful weapons we have. She still wanted to know what to do . . . "FOLLOW JESUS!" I exclaimed, and went on to tell her that there is a battle over her soul and destiny and Jesus wants to deliver her completely. I also said "Basically, when things happen to us that we think are 'weird and spooky,' often those things are not just ordinary things in the physical world that are going on. There are angels and demons fighting over the rights to our lives and we can feel it and sense it in powerful ways at times. We can't just ignore it, we must realize that the Enemy of our souls hates us and wants us to hate the one hope- Jesus. He thrives in darkness and things that destroy our lives- habits, practices; trying to keep us broken and helpless. We MUST choose and cling to Christ and His power, especially when we feel ourselves sinking into evil- claiming the truth and asking God to take control of our minds." There's not a simple, mindless mantra to chant that can combat these lies and a terrorizing, demolishing presences- we need Jesus, and His nearness constantly.

So, as we speak (or, more appropriately, as I type), I've created a "Battle It Out" playlist on my iTunes that consists of these songs:
1. Ronnie Freeman- "Fight" WOW! This song is definitively one of the most powerful spiritual warfare songs- I've listened to it solely on repeat for a few struggling seasons in my walk with Christ.
2. Desperation Band- "Counting on God" The lyrics "I'm in a fight, not physical. I'm in a war, but not of this world" pretty much qualify this song to belong on this list.
3. Sara Groves- "The Boxer" is her personal "out loud" account of an internal battle.
4. Nichole Nordeman- "What If" I just listen to the words of this song and want to bawl because it's so powerful- spoken as a plea to someone else to consider the SOMETHING MORE that could really be going on in them.
5. Kim Walker- "How He Loves" has a moment in it where Kim just speaks out prophetically and talks about encountering the love of God and KNOWING Him, and just the conviction she delivers is faith-inspiring in the battle.
6. Deitrick Haddon- "Stand Still" this song was a theme song for my life for a time of my deepest depression.

Honorary Titles (could definitely be on the cut, but will be "repeats" for two artists featured):
1. Sara Groves- "When The Saints" Man, this song is unreal with its depictions of people who have battled it out from Bible times to modern examples of men and women of faith who are passionately and defiantly pushing back the darkness!
2. Nichole Nordeman- "Hold On" This whole song is very similar to the previous song, but from the perspective of those who are barely able to hang on and need to know that Love is following, pursuing, faithfully loving them.

For a long time, I have thought about how I don't have any dramatic demon possession experiences that I've witnessed, or too many intense battles of the spiritual kind. However, I think I have been right in the midst of all of it, sometimes unaware and coasting with that nagging that something is amiss, sometimes with the distinct impression that it is imperative that I pray or take action of some kind. How I want to be open to move on every prompting of God. One of the awesome things about reading "The Cross and The Switchblade" today was the advice David Wilkerson got from his fiery, legendary, mover-shaker minister grandfather, that God's plans for David were bigger than his initial impulse to go to New York and be involved in the trial of the young boys who had thoughtlessly/carelessly/casually murdered someone in cold blood- He believed God wanted to use David on a MUCH LARGER SCALE. He asked David, in a time where he was about ready to give up on his crazy vision from God, what they had always talked about as the heart of the Gospel. Transformation, change, he replied. YES!!!!!!!! MY WHOLE SOUL RESOUNDS WITH THAT and I was moved to tears, saying, YES JESUS, LET IT BE! LET US SEE MIGHTY THINGS that ONLY YOU CAN DO!

I encourage you to give these songs a listen, and these thoughts some pondering yourself. I just told that same friend that the battle is intense and the Spiritual world/realm is powerful and real (as she now well knows). Choose Jesus. There is no neutral.

redcouchworship.com

Hi Friends!

It's been awhile, I know! I'm currently posting on the new site: www.redcouchworship.com. Check it out and let me know what you think! :)

LOVE!

Fought For.

There is something innate in the nature of a woman that wants to be fought for. It's been written of through the ages: the tale of the prince rescuing the beautiful princess from the evil dragon or abuser or oppressor. We want to be won over, sought out, rescued. There's a Bethany Dillon song "For My Love" that has the lyrics "Gaze into my eyes, let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. Just ask me, for my love." I LOVE that song (my 3 housemates in our apartment my senior year of college used to do a made-up choreographed dance every time that song would play!).

However, something in me is so afraid that it's never going to happen for me, because, let's face it: things aren't necessarily made the way they used to be. Relationships these days seem to be a lot more complicated than they were when my parents were dating; of course that could be attributed to the fact that they have nostalgic rose-colored memories, but really, it seems like there are many more challenges today to getting to a healthy committed relationship. Here are some probable contributing factors to why many of us(in my experience) aren't acting like the people we're called to be:
-Lack of Great Examples. As the divorce rate has increased, so has the disintegration of family and gender roles in American society. I don't think that every stereotypical role is that great, but I do think there are valid points to them. Because people today haven't necessarily seen a healthy husband-wife relationship modeled before them, they don't have much to aspire to as their standard. They're often basing their behavior on those around them (peers), and often those bars aren't set too high at all, so there's a low level of personal expectation to treat someone well.
-Abundance of Opportunity. Above I mentioned the disintegration of important gender roles, and some of those important gender roles are the roles of the "initiator" and the "responder." Traditionally, the male is to be the initiator, and the female is to be the responder. However, I've seen so many girls (and I've been guilty of perpetuating this at times myself) go after the guys! Now, I want to just tell girls to knock it off, and let an amazing man find them, gain interest and be compelled to pursue them, but that doesn't even seem realistic or plausable these days. We usually feel that we have to "put ourselves out there" because there are few who approach at all, leaving us feeling that we're not worth that energy or effort. So, there is a plethora of available girls on the market (I'd say an unbelievable amount of single girls- many of whom I know are quite remarkable women of God) and not many dudes who are "stepping up to the plate" so to speak and following through to work for what they say they want.
-Lack of Delayed Gratification Principle. In reality, it seems, that we hope to someday "marry" a certain kind of person, but would rather not worry about the "someday" right now, and so we'll date people who are much more accessible and who require less from them as a potential life partner, because really, why not just have fun? That's great if that's what both people are thinking going into it, but not so great if the expectations are higher and the desire is to work towards an awesome marriage. Maybe I'm way too serious about all of this, and I've had a lot of time and experience to think about this topic. :) I don't believe at all that you start acting like the spouse you want to be on your wedding day. The kind of treatment and approach that you have while dating/courting someone carries into the future and affects the quality of that relationship long term.

I guess I'm just pretty much done with the "fun phase" of relationships. I definitely want to have fun in dating, but I also have a specific goal in mind and am not just looking for a good time. That's probably why I also get so disappointed. I've felt confused and cursed in dating relationships because it seems that I can't find the right combination of commitment, character, chemistry, faithfulness, desire, compatibility. After dealing with failed relationships that I have had high hopes for (possibly naive hopes) I realize that I need peace, confirmation and mutuality before I let the walls down to my heart. I am called to protect my own heart and guard it, because I have to trust God, but don't necessarily have to fall for anyone who goes after me (even when I feel weak in the knees) because my heart doesn't recover so easily from those falls. I don't want to be just swept off my feet and flattered- I want someone who continually cares about making me feel special and loved, and whom I can trust and give my encouragement, love and support to.

Advice for guys: Don't be so intimidated! Don't you know that the good guy is SUPPOSED to get the girl?! :) Be bold, and make effort not just to impress a girl, but to care about her world. Even if you don't think of yourself as such a "good guy" because maybe you have a streak of being a jerk in the past and are afraid you're still going to be that way- ask God for His confidence, humility and favor in your life, to give you someone that you can be a blessing to and who you'd actually want to be with for life. Don't be discouraged from trying- things that are worth fighting for require the fight! You're not a failure if a girl doesn't respond in kind- try and learn from even the hurtful experiences and keep in mind what you believe God truly wants for your life and future. Don't revert back to old ways just because they are easier and more instantly rewarding. Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13: write down the characteristics of love. Pray about being able to love like that with Christ's help.

Advice for girls: Don't be desperate! Don't be afraid that God won't provide you with your heart's desires, because losing hope leads to compromise and regret (trust me). You are valuable, and don't just need a guy to think you're beautiful- concentrate on developing your inward beauty much more than your outward beauty. If you are questioning your worth you can end up feeling needy and then choosing to settle whether that means being with someone you know is not a good fit for you, or compromising physically/sexually with either being seductive in actions or with intentional alluring immodesty. I know it doesn't seem true, but you're doing yourself a disservice to act this way, because you may be physically appealing as an object of desire, but don't you want to be appreciated much more for who you truly are inside, not just for your ability to make someone lust over you? You're worth more than that, and the love of our Heavenly Father is the only thing that can truly create confidence in you (Lord, help me, because I'm definitely not strong in feeling this way either). You are made the way you are for a purpose, and just because you're not being pursued by someone who you'd want to have come after you, does NOT mean that you're not desireable or that there's nothing amazing in store for you. Nothing is impossible with God and He definitely cares about this area of our lives, and how much it can hurt, too. You're not forgotten. Read 1 Timothy 2:8 in The Message and reflect on it.

Love you all. I believe in incredible things for you and want you to see them! It's NOT TOO LATE! :)

Weird Childhood.

Some of these are weirder than others:
-Maya the Bee
-Zoobilee Zoo
-Eureeka's Castle
-Under the Umbrella Tree
-The "New Mickey Mouse Club"

That's all I can think of right now. For some reason, today I was compelled to YouTube all of these and watch their opening/closing credit videos . . . and just as I suspected, pretty creepy, and I don't remember much of anything about the plotlines, but what I do remember about each was the THEME MUSIC! Just goes to show you the power of musical memory . . . And how weird being a kid was. Who in the world came up with those crazy shows?

Rockstar Status? Part 4

So, how do we really change these things? How do we prevent these things from happening, and how do we respond healthily when they do? I think some places to start are to:
1. Create accountability structures. I’m not talking about “boy’s club” accountability with the snickers and pats on the back and “oh it’s no big deal”, but I’m talking about all of us having friends, colleagues and leaders who we can be our authentic selves with. I think we need to be able to actually talk about what’s really going on in our lives and not live paralyzed with fear of being figured out. I think we need to be able to wrestle with things that are difficult and “hush-hush” and actually be able to hash them out, instead of just talking about talking about things. . . someday. 
2. Promote grace. I think we should be lavish, extravagant and radical with the grace we give and open and loving with grace and couple it with TRUTH. I think we should start with grace and give people permission to make mistakes as they’re starting out, so they don’t think they’re infallible (or that their mentors and leaders think they’re infallible themselves), and learn how to deal with disappointments and conflict.
3. Prioritize. It’s not “me and my ministry first.” I honestly believe it should be God first, marriage relationship second, family next, and then ministry. If the hype and busyness of ministry are keeping us from the essential relationship with Christ Himself and from the relationship of marriage (if you are married), then our priorities must be immediately realigned. Take a personal retreat, go on a romantic getaway, talk with mentors and friends (tell them what is going on), go see a counselor (if you aren’t already) and cry out for wisdom (you won’t be denied!).
4. Walk In The Light. Some examples: tell your story, have a group to support you, have others share their stories of struggle and God’s faithfulness publicly, remind yourself that you have feet of clay.
5. Forgive. Work on forgiving other people who you know have been contributors to your brokenness. Remember that God is a God of restoration, repair and reconciliation. Pray for forgiveness from others, and ask for God’s forgiveness and help to be transformed. None of us are good at being Christlike when left to our own defenses; if it’s difficult to repent, pray for conviction and the Holy Spirit to give remorse to the heart, in order that we may start again and turn around.
6. Cling to the Source. I don’t want to go a day without asking for God’s available new mercies, and I don’t want to take them for granted. God is the Source of my life, and I don’t want to forget that He is my Maker, the Creator of my dreams and the Deliverer of them and me. I can sometimes get away with going spurts of time without clinging to Jesus, and I always end up as someone I don’t want to be—restless, empty, tired, looking for cheap substitutes for the most vital relationship and connection I have, the connection with Jesus. I need to have patience and trust God as the ultimate promoter in whichever way He chooses and pleases. I don’t need to look around every corner for approval and attention and love, God is my affirmation and if that isn’t enough for me I need Him to remind me and help (pretty much all the time).

Blessings! My prayers and love are with all of you. May we walk forward in humility and God’s strength, not our own.

Rockstar Status? Part 3

I am not trying to blame here, but I am agreeing with many others who have stated that “something must change.” I notice that not only are all of the above-mentioned “(temporarily) fallen ones” in ministry; but many of them come from ministry homes and are children of pastors. I have to be honest, I know that pastor’s homes can be healthy (I grew up in an imperfect and “increasingly functional”  one myself), but they can also be places of tremendous shame and pressure, where the mode of operation is to simply hide and disguise most weaknesses, and put the best face (or façade) forward—no matter what the cost. I have walked with many people who have come to places of extreme misery trying to deal with “undoing” the cycle of a ministry/home/lifestyle that centers around performance and ratings and always being completely “put together” for the crowds (and I know that this pressure isn’t completely unique to ministry homes by any means, but it is also seen to an extreme and unacceptable degree in many of these ministry homes). I have seen these people walk with the shame of being imperfect, and having momentous failures that they thought they must keep hidden at all costs, and living that way itself was the greatest cost. They became charmers and deceivers to many and lived in constant fear of being exposed for who they truly were: extremely broken individuals who paraded around as the “power-players” in their circles and spheres of influence—many would be shocked and appalled to know what has happened in their lives behind closed doors (not that we all haven’t sinned and fallen short).

I share these things not as a rebuke at all, but as a broken person giving a wake-up call and caution. Church is not about a production, it’s not about numbers, and it’s not even about being perfect. It’s about being authentic with one another, supporting one another, loving, sacrificing, being humble, having fun, living our ordinary lives (without the paranoia of being ineffective) for the extraordinary calling of following and knowing Jesus above all else. If we take up our crosses to follow a call of “full-time vocational ministry” in some way, we have to also count the cost. We’ve had a long history in the world that has tried to make mankind the main focus of everything, but let’s not forget that God is the focus and the actual “star” of our stories. It’s not about our fame or acclaim, it’s about Him looking good at the end of the day. Character really does trump charisma although it may not look like it for a season. I’m realizing the importance of it, and asking God to examine my heart and my selfish desires (even if they are to make Him famous, sometimes I still, deep down, want the “perks”) and to keep my heart focused on Him and not on the applause-o-meter of others.

Rockstar Status? Part 2

I realize I have this same propensity—sometimes I want to allow myself to be caught up into Christian stardom with the structures and hierarchies we create: “this person is influential and important.” “this person’s church isn’t big enough.” “they always were just different.” And I am somewhat on the “inside” (well, as being a minister myself) of the evangelical culture so I have fallen prey to the notion that significance for God’s Kingdom is only assessed and assigned through human opinion and affirmation. I have seen great devastation in this outlandish attention-getting display of antics that we sometimes call “a great move of God.” I don’t think God needs our press. I think we become dangerous when we believe our own press. And I have seen that proved true time and time and time again. Just look at recent headlines, people like Todd Bentley and Mike Guglielmucci, and before them Tedd Haggard and before him Jimmy Swaggart, Marvin Gorman and Jim Bakker and before them Aimee Semple McPherson and countless others have had major moral breakdowns that have gone very public.

I am not proud when I think that the organization that I’m affiliated with has been the same association as the majority of those, and closely connected with the few that weren’t the exact same association of churches. The Evangelical Christian community seems to have quite the inclination towards allowing this to happen. And the stories of the above aren’t the only ones—there are too many to mention, stories of local Christian School principals sexually abusing vulnerable teen girls, stories of local pastors carrying on inappropriate relations with minors, stories of families ravaged by the media feast of illicit conduct of ministers. It puts the fear of God in me; there are also situations that hit much, much closer to home. I have had to deal with my share of personal heartache by being let down by someone pursuing ministry whom I trusted and by whom I was harshly betrayed (and who for a long time hid deep, painful secrets) and I know of a dozen more stories of others who have been severely wounded by some in and some pursuing ministry whose lives didn’t quite match up with what they publicly touted. And my heart is broken that it keeps happening.

Rockstar Status? Part 1

Set the stage, dim the lights, and then spotlight, cue fog, cue miracles . . . and the crowd goes wild! But why?

I think the temptation has become much too great to achieve "Rockstar Status" in the church, and somehow, our structures allow for this and even encourage this behavior that is reflective of some of Jesus' original followers: Peter, James and John. In Mark 9, these guys (brothers James and John, and also Peter) had gotten the inside scoop- they saw Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah (two heroes of the faith from the Old Testament), and heard God speak about how pleased He was with Jesus and how He asked for their devotion and attention. The first thing these two dudes want to do after that is to build some kind of shelter and monument of commemoration (hello, doesn’t anyone remember what happened when Aaron led the people to do that same thing “Let’s just build this golden calf, a beautiful idol to show what God has done,” when Moses was up on the mountain receiving the 10 Commandments?!), they don’t really understand the gravity of the moment and they just want to make it into something “cool” and something they can easily explain and show off to others.

The very next time their names are mentioned in the Scriptures (in Mark 10) here’s what they’re essentially asking: “Hey, Jesus, can we please be the ones to sit next to You in the VIP Room when we get to Heaven?” They wanted to be on the right and left hand of His throne in glory. Pretty presumptuous if you ask me!  Jesus’ response to them strikes me every time I read it: “You don’t know what you’re asking Me. Do you really want to share the baptism (being fully immersed) in my suffering, which is the key requirement in sharing in my glory? The things you’re asking aren’t even for me to determine, follow my ways . . . know God, ask Him.” *Matthew gives a similar account, where their mom asks the same question they asked, and He gives the same powerful response: “Woman, you don’t know what you’re asking Me for.”

Was the Kingdom of God ever meant to be built for man to receive the glory?

Making Music

I've been writing songs since I was probably 6 or 7 years old. I can only remember a few of them from that far back, but there's something about songwriting that my spirit needs to express (sorry if this sounds weird!). Often, when I'm broken, I feel that the best way I can communicate with God is to sit down at the piano and write a song out of my circumstance and introspection.
I'm inspired by many things- the songs of great songwriters, God's Word, having a powerful conversation or experience, traveling, being in beautiful places in nature, being in a beautiful church or place with amazing architecture.
I really love writing music, but it's honestly been something that's pretty humbling, too. I've recently posted some of my songs that I've recorded onto my music myspace (www.myspace.com/musicjana) and it's kind of intimidating. I am still new at the whole thing of recording and helping the songs come to life and I've been insecure about it. It's honestly very scary putting my thoughts, melodies and voice out there for anyone to hear and review. I worry about how I sound and come across, and I know I don't need the approval of everyone, but I still desire that affirmation from those I'm close to- like, did this mean anything to you? Is this something I should keep doing?
Anyway, I am probably always going to keep writing, but I just wonder what God's plan is with all of it, will my songs and prayers come to life and others be blessed by them? I don't know. I just want to do what God has created me to do . . . whatever that may be . . . I'm still wondering about all of it. :)

Vitally United

The Amplified Bible uses these words: VITALLY UNITED in John 15 referencing our relationship with God and the necessity of "abiding in Him." The words "vitally united" really stick out to me because it makes crystal-clear my need for Jesus. Apart from Him, not only can I accomplish, be and do nothing, but I am essentially dead. Even when I depart from Him and consider Him cruel for just moments, I can feel the desperation in my spirit and how unfulfilling and just unlively life feels.

This is Faith.

This is faith.


I cannot tell you why I always think that I need everything wrapped up in a bow
I cannot tell you why I alway think that I need to know the outcome when I don't
Because sometimes there is no resolve- no quick and painless closure
And I guess the world will still revolve with this weight upon my shoulders
But God is not daunted by unresolved things, He sees the loose ends and only He brings me together again
I may never understand it, on this side of Heaven
Why one dream of mine had to die for another to be given
Someday my heart will be healed, someday the mystery revealed
But until then, today, this is faith.

© Jana 2008

Tagged. I guess this means I'm it!

TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. I used to hum myself to sleep when I was just a baby, and since I shared a room with my sister it drove her nuts!
2. I have always been more scared than excited to do things that I'm not sure about: driving, flying, college, living on my own, applying and interviewing at jobs.
3. My favorite toys as a kid had to do with transformation: dolls that you put water on that changed colors, cars that changed colors, heck- even hypercolor shirts!
4. I've never been anywhere outside of the U.S. and Canada!
5. I have 607 Christmas songs on my ipod.
6. My mom calls me "pastorista" because of my jobs, and you know, I'm really blessed to work with all of the people that I get to work with!
7. I loved glow in the dark things- I used to wear glow in the dark nail polish, and once I slept with glow in the dark silly putty in my hand and it got stuck in my hair.
8. I love brownie batter and cookie dough batter almost more than when they're baked.
9. I have two ear piercings in each ear but rarely wear any earrings in the second piercing.
10. I dream of ministering in Europe someday.

God is in control

Why is it so hard for me to believe that God is in control? I mean, I know that the Earth keeps revolving and everything even when I feel like falling apart, but still I question God's ways so often. I don't think I'm a control freak, but I guess most control freaks probably don't think they are, either :). I love traveling, and I love excitement, I just get scared when it comes to too much adventure, too much not knowing and too many surprises- I really like to feel like I'm prepared for whichever situation I'm walking into. But that's not how it necessarily always works with Jesus. His ways ARE HIGHER than my ways. So, even though I don't know what I'm going to be doing next year, or even where I'll be, I know that Jesus is my Shepherd. He is faithful. He has always led me, and even when I don't FEEL it, He is there. Leading, guiding, nudging, disciplining, protecting, comforting, and loving me. I guess my loneliness at times allows for His sweet companionship- and that really is what I need most, even though I tend to run when I feel confused or frustrated. His faithful love makes me run right back.

Baby and bathwater

I've been thinking a lot about the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater." I did a little research and found that its origin is from the days when families would all do their bathing with just one ration of water. The baby would often be last in line to be washed in a large family, and by that time the water would have been quite murky and dark. It happened on occasion that the baby could be hidden in that water and thrown out with the bathwater.
Now, I know we don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, because human life is important! However, I think we can draw a comparison to ministry with that example, because so often we get so bogged down with maintaining possibly ineffective systems and our vision gets muddied so we lose sight of the real priority: people. I'm not saying that administration isn't important, in fact, it is essential! I'm just trying to propose that we shouldn't be distracted by the upkeep of buildings or systems or dollars from the mission and the main thing: people knowing Jesus and His redemptive, life-transforming love.

Alive

I'm grateful that I'm alive. I deserve death, but God gave me a chance and saved me. I have a renewed hope and confidence today. I know that God knows the desires of my heart and I trust Him with them. I want to quit saying "I'll be satisfied when ________ . . .", and to realize that I can be content in any circumstances because of the love of my Jesus. I am grateful for everything He has given me: a family and parents who literally laugh, cry, and share life with me- challenging me and supporting me at the same time; friends who are such an encouragement and blessing, who pray with me and for me and give me words of wisdom and insight when I'm seeing rather short-sighted:). I just believe again. I fought through disappointment and discouragement. I cursed God for a moment and thought that I could forsake what He created me for and what He had planned for me, but then He spoke to me and confirmed it again and again and again and it's undeniable that He is faithful. I am in love with the God of my life, and nothing is in His place anymore. The first commandment in the 10 Commandments is to have no other god before the One, True God, and the first and most important commandment in the New Covenant is to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Nothing is more important or could be more fulfilling. I only want what He has for me, and I only want to be with the Lord. I feel like I'm being healed from deep wounds and I know the Lord will buy back what I thought He took away from me in cruelty. He's not cruel, He's a God who commands my obedience and attention, and wants my true affection. I'm ready and willing to give all of that, and I want everything I am and everything I do to glorify Him more than myself. I can't appoint myself. I can't fulfill my own desires. I can't redeem or restore anything. I can't make a difference without Him. I'm not anything without what He's done for me. I am alive and I'm grateful. That's all.

So, here's the tension!

I know this might not seem like the most relevant topic to everyone in the world, but I want to talk about eschatology. A professor of mine in college said that it is the tension between the "already" and the "not yet" of God's Kingdom. Honestly I feel the "not yet" much more than the "already". The "already" part is where we feel God's power in everyday life. It is living with the realization that I am a part of something much bigger than myself- that I can play a role in God's divine plan for the universe. However, I feel much more immersed in the "not yet" part of it right now. I feel like God's Kingdom WILL come and His will SOMEDAY WILL be done, but maybe not today. . .
I get discouraged when I think of how I want to be participating in something amazing, but just feel like there's something preventing me- something paralyzing me from moving. "It will be too hard." "I won't have the resources." "I will be in over my head, and won't have the support for the overwhelming need."
I want to realize that although I can't experience the FULLNESS of God's glory today (not yet), I can (already) be fully alive and engaged in God's will and fulfilling His purposes.

Faith

(Heb 11:1) "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Pay careful attention to the word "yet" here. Faith does not mean that we don't see things in their practical reality, as they are now. It does mean though, that we choose to not accept only that perspective and we also choose to believe for what something can be. The "yet" means that the thing that we are believing for in faith is not how it is right now, or at least not how it looks as of now. But, it can be and that is the point of believing, even when it seems impossible. What is the point of the Christian life without faith? It is empty; just another system and way of proving ourselves as acceptable to God.
But that was never God's point of getting through to us: He didn't choose a system to meet us, He chose a person instead. When we forget about the person of Jesus Christ, we forget about His sacrifice, and the point of life and faith altogether. It is not only difficult or challenging to please God without faith- it is impossible. Because without faith, we are depending upon our own good works and attitudes and behaviors. Yet, if we are depending on those things alone, then surely we will be condemned because not one of us can be without sin, and none of us can EVER follow the law to the last exact letter. So, why am I a Christian? Well, because of the meaning of that word itself, I want to be an imitator of Christ; I want to be accused of being a little Christ. Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many. I want to be like that. I want to sacrifice for others. I want to love. I would literally die and give up my life for people to know the purpose of theirs, to know Christ, but that is not necessary because Jesus already did that. So, I must live for Him. Not proving myself to earn my way to Him, but choosing to believe that He will do the work to transform me and use my life as I willingly submit it. I don't understand everything there is to understand about faith, but I do know that I would rather live with faith than without it. Faith makes me alive when the circumstances seem doomed. Faith encourages my heart when I don't have hope and don't believe for what I've prayed for. Faith the size of a mustard seed could move a mountain into the sea. Faith is honoring to God, it is taking Him at His Word.
2 Cor 5:7 "That is why we live by believing and not by seeing." There are many times when I don't "see" what I want to see, but that doesn't mean that God isn't accomplishing it for my good. Faith gives me the proof of what I, on my own, do not yet see.

Aloneness

Of all the things I hate feeling, this one tops the list: aloneness. I am a "close friends" person. I THRIVE on relationships. I adore my friends, and take the concerns of others to heart, and take them very seriously. I am a caregiver and a confidante. There is nothing that I enjoy more than connecting with someone deeply and having a life-transforming conversation. So, you can see why it is so hard when I get in a place of aloneness. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, therefore, it is often what I need, because if not, I get too dependent on just going places and worrying about the problems of everyone around me, and I lose my focus on the MOST important element in my life: my relationship with God. "Why do I do the things I do? It's not even who I want to be! I find myself following all I want, and never the only One I need." I wrote those lyrics recently, and it's because I know my tendency to neglect Jesus, and I hate that about me! How many times do I have to hear this story?: Jesus is the VINE, I am a branch, APART from Him I can do NOTHING, I must REMAIN in Him! Why can't I remember that? Why do I have to convince myself to FIX MY GAZE upon Him? I need help. I am hurting. I can't force God to be my last resort; I NEED Him as my lifeline. Period. Nothing else is enough, I am not enough. When I am alone, I am not. He is not all that I have sometimes, He is all I EVER have.

Why is it so hard?

Why is doing the right thing often so hard? I struggle with it everyday, and it's not even necessarily a struggle against outrightly sinning. It's a struggle to trust God and to have faith! I DO unquestionably believe in God, but the question I face each morning is: will I trust Him today? Hebrews 11:6-"So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." (NLT) Okay, so it's impossible to please God without faith, and I have had the first part of the equation in that verse: I believe that there is a God. . . However, this is what I always seem to trip up on: AND THAT HE REWARDS THOSE WHO SINCERELY SEEK HIM. I have to tell you that even though I know God is real, that doesn't make it easy to trust Him for everything. For instance, I know that God is calling me to trust Him for my contentment and to fulfill me, but everyday when I wake up with this fear, and this aching in my chest, I say to myself, TRUST GOD. But my temptation instead is to call someone and seek their affirmation/approval/desire to be with me. I wrestle with it often, NOT because God is not enough, but because it is hard to be faithful when it seems so easy for everyone else, and I just want someone to walk this journey with me. I want to feel alive and I want to feel loved, but it's agonizing when I don't understand what's going on. I know that I don't see the big picture and I know that God has my best in mind, it's just sometimes such a lonely journey. There are so many places of joy in my life, and blessings that God gives me, but they don't last forever, and ultimately, I can find my source of life/hope/joy/peace only in Him. I know I am not alone, but somehow this struggle is preparing me for something I can't see. I have encouraged others with this before: "there are two realities in life. There is the physical reality (the circumstances that you can see playing out everyday), and then there is the Spiritual reality (the things that are going on behind the scenes and in people's hearts and lives and beyond all that we can see or understand). The greatest reality is God's love, and even though there is a battle going on, His love and His purpose for our lives goes much deeper and further than the circumstances we see." So, this is being proven in my life today through my struggle: Rom 8:35 "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?36 (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.")37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.39 Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Thank You, Oh my Father, for giving us Your Son, and leaving Your Spirit 'til the work on Earth is done. I realize I do have all I need, my daily bread.