Alive

I'm grateful that I'm alive. I deserve death, but God gave me a chance and saved me. I have a renewed hope and confidence today. I know that God knows the desires of my heart and I trust Him with them. I want to quit saying "I'll be satisfied when ________ . . .", and to realize that I can be content in any circumstances because of the love of my Jesus. I am grateful for everything He has given me: a family and parents who literally laugh, cry, and share life with me- challenging me and supporting me at the same time; friends who are such an encouragement and blessing, who pray with me and for me and give me words of wisdom and insight when I'm seeing rather short-sighted:). I just believe again. I fought through disappointment and discouragement. I cursed God for a moment and thought that I could forsake what He created me for and what He had planned for me, but then He spoke to me and confirmed it again and again and again and it's undeniable that He is faithful. I am in love with the God of my life, and nothing is in His place anymore. The first commandment in the 10 Commandments is to have no other god before the One, True God, and the first and most important commandment in the New Covenant is to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Nothing is more important or could be more fulfilling. I only want what He has for me, and I only want to be with the Lord. I feel like I'm being healed from deep wounds and I know the Lord will buy back what I thought He took away from me in cruelty. He's not cruel, He's a God who commands my obedience and attention, and wants my true affection. I'm ready and willing to give all of that, and I want everything I am and everything I do to glorify Him more than myself. I can't appoint myself. I can't fulfill my own desires. I can't redeem or restore anything. I can't make a difference without Him. I'm not anything without what He's done for me. I am alive and I'm grateful. That's all.

So, here's the tension!

I know this might not seem like the most relevant topic to everyone in the world, but I want to talk about eschatology. A professor of mine in college said that it is the tension between the "already" and the "not yet" of God's Kingdom. Honestly I feel the "not yet" much more than the "already". The "already" part is where we feel God's power in everyday life. It is living with the realization that I am a part of something much bigger than myself- that I can play a role in God's divine plan for the universe. However, I feel much more immersed in the "not yet" part of it right now. I feel like God's Kingdom WILL come and His will SOMEDAY WILL be done, but maybe not today. . .
I get discouraged when I think of how I want to be participating in something amazing, but just feel like there's something preventing me- something paralyzing me from moving. "It will be too hard." "I won't have the resources." "I will be in over my head, and won't have the support for the overwhelming need."
I want to realize that although I can't experience the FULLNESS of God's glory today (not yet), I can (already) be fully alive and engaged in God's will and fulfilling His purposes.