Fought For.

There is something innate in the nature of a woman that wants to be fought for. It's been written of through the ages: the tale of the prince rescuing the beautiful princess from the evil dragon or abuser or oppressor. We want to be won over, sought out, rescued. There's a Bethany Dillon song "For My Love" that has the lyrics "Gaze into my eyes, let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. Slip your hand in mine, ask me to dance with you tonight. Just ask me, for my love." I LOVE that song (my 3 housemates in our apartment my senior year of college used to do a made-up choreographed dance every time that song would play!).

However, something in me is so afraid that it's never going to happen for me, because, let's face it: things aren't necessarily made the way they used to be. Relationships these days seem to be a lot more complicated than they were when my parents were dating; of course that could be attributed to the fact that they have nostalgic rose-colored memories, but really, it seems like there are many more challenges today to getting to a healthy committed relationship. Here are some probable contributing factors to why many of us(in my experience) aren't acting like the people we're called to be:
-Lack of Great Examples. As the divorce rate has increased, so has the disintegration of family and gender roles in American society. I don't think that every stereotypical role is that great, but I do think there are valid points to them. Because people today haven't necessarily seen a healthy husband-wife relationship modeled before them, they don't have much to aspire to as their standard. They're often basing their behavior on those around them (peers), and often those bars aren't set too high at all, so there's a low level of personal expectation to treat someone well.
-Abundance of Opportunity. Above I mentioned the disintegration of important gender roles, and some of those important gender roles are the roles of the "initiator" and the "responder." Traditionally, the male is to be the initiator, and the female is to be the responder. However, I've seen so many girls (and I've been guilty of perpetuating this at times myself) go after the guys! Now, I want to just tell girls to knock it off, and let an amazing man find them, gain interest and be compelled to pursue them, but that doesn't even seem realistic or plausable these days. We usually feel that we have to "put ourselves out there" because there are few who approach at all, leaving us feeling that we're not worth that energy or effort. So, there is a plethora of available girls on the market (I'd say an unbelievable amount of single girls- many of whom I know are quite remarkable women of God) and not many dudes who are "stepping up to the plate" so to speak and following through to work for what they say they want.
-Lack of Delayed Gratification Principle. In reality, it seems, that we hope to someday "marry" a certain kind of person, but would rather not worry about the "someday" right now, and so we'll date people who are much more accessible and who require less from them as a potential life partner, because really, why not just have fun? That's great if that's what both people are thinking going into it, but not so great if the expectations are higher and the desire is to work towards an awesome marriage. Maybe I'm way too serious about all of this, and I've had a lot of time and experience to think about this topic. :) I don't believe at all that you start acting like the spouse you want to be on your wedding day. The kind of treatment and approach that you have while dating/courting someone carries into the future and affects the quality of that relationship long term.

I guess I'm just pretty much done with the "fun phase" of relationships. I definitely want to have fun in dating, but I also have a specific goal in mind and am not just looking for a good time. That's probably why I also get so disappointed. I've felt confused and cursed in dating relationships because it seems that I can't find the right combination of commitment, character, chemistry, faithfulness, desire, compatibility. After dealing with failed relationships that I have had high hopes for (possibly naive hopes) I realize that I need peace, confirmation and mutuality before I let the walls down to my heart. I am called to protect my own heart and guard it, because I have to trust God, but don't necessarily have to fall for anyone who goes after me (even when I feel weak in the knees) because my heart doesn't recover so easily from those falls. I don't want to be just swept off my feet and flattered- I want someone who continually cares about making me feel special and loved, and whom I can trust and give my encouragement, love and support to.

Advice for guys: Don't be so intimidated! Don't you know that the good guy is SUPPOSED to get the girl?! :) Be bold, and make effort not just to impress a girl, but to care about her world. Even if you don't think of yourself as such a "good guy" because maybe you have a streak of being a jerk in the past and are afraid you're still going to be that way- ask God for His confidence, humility and favor in your life, to give you someone that you can be a blessing to and who you'd actually want to be with for life. Don't be discouraged from trying- things that are worth fighting for require the fight! You're not a failure if a girl doesn't respond in kind- try and learn from even the hurtful experiences and keep in mind what you believe God truly wants for your life and future. Don't revert back to old ways just because they are easier and more instantly rewarding. Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13: write down the characteristics of love. Pray about being able to love like that with Christ's help.

Advice for girls: Don't be desperate! Don't be afraid that God won't provide you with your heart's desires, because losing hope leads to compromise and regret (trust me). You are valuable, and don't just need a guy to think you're beautiful- concentrate on developing your inward beauty much more than your outward beauty. If you are questioning your worth you can end up feeling needy and then choosing to settle whether that means being with someone you know is not a good fit for you, or compromising physically/sexually with either being seductive in actions or with intentional alluring immodesty. I know it doesn't seem true, but you're doing yourself a disservice to act this way, because you may be physically appealing as an object of desire, but don't you want to be appreciated much more for who you truly are inside, not just for your ability to make someone lust over you? You're worth more than that, and the love of our Heavenly Father is the only thing that can truly create confidence in you (Lord, help me, because I'm definitely not strong in feeling this way either). You are made the way you are for a purpose, and just because you're not being pursued by someone who you'd want to have come after you, does NOT mean that you're not desireable or that there's nothing amazing in store for you. Nothing is impossible with God and He definitely cares about this area of our lives, and how much it can hurt, too. You're not forgotten. Read 1 Timothy 2:8 in The Message and reflect on it.

Love you all. I believe in incredible things for you and want you to see them! It's NOT TOO LATE! :)