Aloneness

Of all the things I hate feeling, this one tops the list: aloneness. I am a "close friends" person. I THRIVE on relationships. I adore my friends, and take the concerns of others to heart, and take them very seriously. I am a caregiver and a confidante. There is nothing that I enjoy more than connecting with someone deeply and having a life-transforming conversation. So, you can see why it is so hard when I get in a place of aloneness. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, therefore, it is often what I need, because if not, I get too dependent on just going places and worrying about the problems of everyone around me, and I lose my focus on the MOST important element in my life: my relationship with God. "Why do I do the things I do? It's not even who I want to be! I find myself following all I want, and never the only One I need." I wrote those lyrics recently, and it's because I know my tendency to neglect Jesus, and I hate that about me! How many times do I have to hear this story?: Jesus is the VINE, I am a branch, APART from Him I can do NOTHING, I must REMAIN in Him! Why can't I remember that? Why do I have to convince myself to FIX MY GAZE upon Him? I need help. I am hurting. I can't force God to be my last resort; I NEED Him as my lifeline. Period. Nothing else is enough, I am not enough. When I am alone, I am not. He is not all that I have sometimes, He is all I EVER have.

Why is it so hard?

Why is doing the right thing often so hard? I struggle with it everyday, and it's not even necessarily a struggle against outrightly sinning. It's a struggle to trust God and to have faith! I DO unquestionably believe in God, but the question I face each morning is: will I trust Him today? Hebrews 11:6-"So, you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him." (NLT) Okay, so it's impossible to please God without faith, and I have had the first part of the equation in that verse: I believe that there is a God. . . However, this is what I always seem to trip up on: AND THAT HE REWARDS THOSE WHO SINCERELY SEEK HIM. I have to tell you that even though I know God is real, that doesn't make it easy to trust Him for everything. For instance, I know that God is calling me to trust Him for my contentment and to fulfill me, but everyday when I wake up with this fear, and this aching in my chest, I say to myself, TRUST GOD. But my temptation instead is to call someone and seek their affirmation/approval/desire to be with me. I wrestle with it often, NOT because God is not enough, but because it is hard to be faithful when it seems so easy for everyone else, and I just want someone to walk this journey with me. I want to feel alive and I want to feel loved, but it's agonizing when I don't understand what's going on. I know that I don't see the big picture and I know that God has my best in mind, it's just sometimes such a lonely journey. There are so many places of joy in my life, and blessings that God gives me, but they don't last forever, and ultimately, I can find my source of life/hope/joy/peace only in Him. I know I am not alone, but somehow this struggle is preparing me for something I can't see. I have encouraged others with this before: "there are two realities in life. There is the physical reality (the circumstances that you can see playing out everyday), and then there is the Spiritual reality (the things that are going on behind the scenes and in people's hearts and lives and beyond all that we can see or understand). The greatest reality is God's love, and even though there is a battle going on, His love and His purpose for our lives goes much deeper and further than the circumstances we see." So, this is being proven in my life today through my struggle: Rom 8:35 "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?36 (Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.")37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away.39 Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Thank You, Oh my Father, for giving us Your Son, and leaving Your Spirit 'til the work on Earth is done. I realize I do have all I need, my daily bread.