Aloneness

Of all the things I hate feeling, this one tops the list: aloneness. I am a "close friends" person. I THRIVE on relationships. I adore my friends, and take the concerns of others to heart, and take them very seriously. I am a caregiver and a confidante. There is nothing that I enjoy more than connecting with someone deeply and having a life-transforming conversation. So, you can see why it is so hard when I get in a place of aloneness. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, therefore, it is often what I need, because if not, I get too dependent on just going places and worrying about the problems of everyone around me, and I lose my focus on the MOST important element in my life: my relationship with God. "Why do I do the things I do? It's not even who I want to be! I find myself following all I want, and never the only One I need." I wrote those lyrics recently, and it's because I know my tendency to neglect Jesus, and I hate that about me! How many times do I have to hear this story?: Jesus is the VINE, I am a branch, APART from Him I can do NOTHING, I must REMAIN in Him! Why can't I remember that? Why do I have to convince myself to FIX MY GAZE upon Him? I need help. I am hurting. I can't force God to be my last resort; I NEED Him as my lifeline. Period. Nothing else is enough, I am not enough. When I am alone, I am not. He is not all that I have sometimes, He is all I EVER have.